Coping with Unconstructive Criticism

Wouldn't you know it. Just when you believe you have developed some skills to cope with legitimate criticism and complaints, someone with a chip on his or her shoulder will come up with criticism that sounds like a personal attack. It's as though no matter what you do, this person will find fault. Sometimes it is a petty detail, or sometimes it becomes a general statement about your lack of experience or perceived lack of competence. (in their opinion!)

In dealing with this kind of person, almost any response will create an argument or cause you to feel as though you were a young child with no personal power or influence. 

It's time to recognize that this whole problem may not be about you at all. Non-constructive criticism or personal attacks say more about the person making these statements than it ever says about you. Perhaps there is something happening in their life that is so frustrating or upsetting that they can't or won't deal with it. They want company in their suffering - and you are a convenient target. The attacks may be the result of a hostile or negative personality which rejects any positive viewpoints.

There are three steps which you could take to diminish the negative impact for yourself:

The first is to repeat back what you think the other person has said, so there is no misunderstanding about the words. "If I understood you correctly, you said you thought I was incompetent. Did I get that right?"

The next step is to ask for specific suggestions about how this person believe you can improve or remedy the situation. This requires work on the part of the critic to come up with positive possibilities or concrete steps which would fix the problem. If no positive suggestions are forthcoming, you can ignore the criticism as being invalid, inappropriate or just mean-spirited. Your response could be "If you can't suggest any positive alternatives which would fix your criticism, it's not worth very much." 

The third is to acknowledge that this is their opinion and you see the situation differently. You can just hear them out and agree that the situation seems hopeless and awful. "Your opinion is different from mine. It seems like we have reached an impasse. Do you have any ideas about how we can resolve it. ... If not we will have to agree to disagree." Then go on about your day and don't give it a second thought.

Remember, there are times when you can't help a complainer. Some people are just not going to see it your way. According to a Jamaican proverb, "Those who can't dance, say the music is no good."

Factors in Winning Your Personal Weight War

                  Major Factors to Help Win Your Personal “Battle of the Bulge”

        Win the Weight War examines the factors that can cause weight problems, the emotional needs that food attempts to satisfy, as well as identifying those sabotages that prevent you from reducing that weight, and how to overcome them. The principles included here are designed to help you redefine your “love affair” with food by identifying your weight goals, giving purpose and importance to achieving those goals, providing specific suggestions and strategies to build motivation, and help you win your war on weight. Perhaps you have become so discouraged that you have given up on yourself, and this “war” seems like a losing battle. You cannot help but wonder if you have the right weapons, adequate armor, appropriate strategies and tactics to actually win this war.

       The major factors explored here to help you be successful in winning your personal weight war are:

• Setting a realistic goal with appropriate milestones to evaluate progress.

• Making a positive statement about what you want, and focusing on the future, so your brain will concentrate on the achievement of that success rather than obsess about all the times in the past that you tried and failed.

• Motivation: What’s in it for you to be at your goal weight? The health benefits of staying slender are very well known, yet they rarely motivate anyone to change anything, much less ingrained eating habits.

• You want to be “sweet” to yourself by honoring your values and move closer to your important goals.

• Create within yourself an ally and cheerleader who will remind you of the benefits of winning your personal battles with weight, and encourage you to keep focused on your goal.

• Quality of food: How do you decide what to put into your mouth, as well as the amount of food that you choose to eat?

• Rate of food consumption, and the frequency with which you eat. Slowing it down, and eating less food more often.

• The psychological and emotional needs and “positive intentions” that drive those overeating behaviors and sabotage your best intentions and commitment.

To get to your goal weight, you have to make a lifestyle change in how you think about food. Eating habits must be shifted over a lifetime. It is very different than stopping such destructive habits as smoking or drinking, which can be compared to an on/off switch on a lamp. If you make a commitment to “Never Again” engage in those habits, you will continue to live comfortably, if not healthier.

Eating, on the other hand, is a necessity of life. Food is the fuel on which your body depends for survival. You will literally die of starvation if you stop eating altogether. Eating too much of the same food will also cause physical distress and health dangers. If you think of a “dimmer switch” to modify your eating habits, you will enhance your health and remain in control of your weight. Sometimes decisions on what to eat and how much to eat are made as many as six times a day. It is vital to learn what you can eat—and to enjoy it thoroughly!

New Years Resolutions

Successful New Years Resolutions

• Have you made your “New Years Resolutions” yet?
• Have you considered what keeping these resolutions might mean in your life?
• For how long a time will you faithfully keep them?

The New Year is a wonderful opportunity to turn over a new leaf, a chance to wipe the slate clean, and start over inn certain aspects of your life.  You can begin to do things right. The problems arise when slip-ups occur.  For most people, one little mistake means all is lost and they sometime feel worse for having tried. It provides one more piece of evidence of how incompetent, helpless or hopeless the situation is.

The following are some suggestions on how to make your New Years Resolutions actually work for you – and have staying power. 

1. Instead of choosing to change your whole life, select one element of your life which is important to you. The object is to create a successful experience rather than having “proof” of another failure.
2. Define clearly and specifically the problem that you want to solve.
3. State your goal with positive language rather than saying what you don’t want. It is impossible to achieve an outcome which is tied up in “not’s” (knots). Instead of vowing “not to smoke after dinner”, decide that “When dinner is over, I will enjoy a cool glass of water, a nice cup of hot tea, or take the dog for a long walk.” That’s a resolution that you can actually commit yourself to accomplishing.
4. As you decide on your objectives, pick one at a time to change. If the goal has many parts to it, focus on one aspect at a time to solve. As each part is accomplished, you can feel successful and encouraged to continue.
5. Make the objectives specific, manageable, and sequential. The more abstract or vague the goals are, the more obstacles or sabotages will interfere with your success. Those changes can easily become overwhelming.  When you say something general such as: “I want to be more sociable,” how much more sociable will you be? How will you know when you are successful?  Compare that to: “I will host four dinners over the next four months.” Deciding on a specific number will give you a specific goal to either meet or not. The important thing is that you will know.
6. Consider exactly how your resolutions are important to you. Acknowledge exactly how your life will be affected when your resolution is kept. This outcome or objective has to be important enough to be worth the effort it will take to make it happen.
7. Create a reward for yourself as each landmark or part of your goal is reached, so you know you are on the right track, and in control of the process. If you get off the track, take a deep breath, and start over again.

It is my sincere wish that these suggestions can be helpful to you to achieve success with all your positive resolutions to make your life healthy, happy, and prosperous in the coming weeks, months and years to come.

If you have had experiences with New Years Resolutions, we can answer questions, discuss, or make suggestions about how to be more successful.

Handling Complaints Effectively

Complaints!! We can never escape complaints no matter how hard we try – no matter what we do to avoid it. In any situation in which we have to deal with other people, there are going to be dissatisfactions, disagreements and resistance to different thoughts and ideas.

There are complaints which have merit, those that are based on frustration and disappointment, or those which are part of a negative mindset or attitude. There are some people who are just pessimistic by nature, and look for evidence to justify their sour grapes. You will handle the complaint effectively if you identify how to categorize it.

Of all the strategies which handle complaints effectively, the most important is to understand exactly what the problem is. Get yourself into a state of curiosity about what this other person is experiencing rather than being defensive about being wrong. Be prepared to ask questions. The truth is, the complaint may be justified, but may be so abstract, imprecise or poorly expressed, that it would be impossible to address the exact problem, much less fix it without more specific information. 

Our world view and understanding is filtered through words. Words interpret, characterize, and conceptualize experiences and ideas so others can share them. Have you considered how often words are misunderstood ‑ leading to opposition and argument.

One friend who suffers from arthritis in her hips and knees said to her new housekeeper, "Sometimes it will be necessary for you to help me upstairs." The housekeeper looked at her kindly and said. "I understand completely, ma'am, I drink a little now and then myself."

Repeat back what you heard to the other person as accurately as possible. Then ask if that was correct. Can you make a picture in your mind’s eye about the problem which is being described? If not keep asking more specific questions to clarify what is wanted or needed so you can determine if you can help. 

“The service here is terrible. I want my money back!”

“Help me understand exactly what went wrong with the service."

"I came in to ask a question about this tape recorder I had purchased the other day.

The person behind the desk was on the phone. She never stopped talking to acknowledge that I was standing there. When she finally put the phone down, I told her the tape recorder was not working right.  Without saying a word, she picked up the receiver and returned to her conversation. She pointed to another aisle, and turned her back on me."

“What I heard you say was that the receptionist basically ignored you when you came in looking for help with your tape recorder.  Did I understand you correctly?”

“Yes. You did”

In your imagination, see the world through others eyes. Understanding the other point of view is not the same as agreeing with it. Connect with how it might feel to you under those circumstances.

“I can imagine that would have felt rude and dismissive. I don’t blame you for being upset. I would have felt very much the same way. I’m so glad you brought this to my attention.  Let's see if we can get you a tape recorder that actually works.  We'll try it out here.  I will remind the receptionist about our customer service policy. You can expect to receive a letter of apology from her."

"That would be great! Thank you so much for understanding."

To sum up, patiently listen to the complaint, empathize with the resulting emotion, acknowledging the legitimacy of that emotion, and offer possible options which would satisfy the concern. These can become a starting point for future negotiations.

Post your comments or ideas about problems you have had in handling complaints, and we will figure out even better ways.

Win the Weight War Manuscript Completed

What a relief!!!

The intense effort that was required to complete the book is over. I finally have my life back.  The Win the Weight War book is finally in the capable hands of the publisher.  It has indeed been a labor of love - the emphasis on the word LABOR. The theme of this book is to help you overcome the psychological sabotages which prevent you from getting to your goal weight.  Whenever you think of losing weight, you will rapidly shift into a grief or deprivation mode for what you believe that you have lost.  It is human nature to avoid loss at all costs.  To demand that your brain shift from the negative and avoidant connotation that losing or loss imparts is very difficult.  It is critical to adopt a winning attitude and a positve mindset about what achieving these goals will mean to you, and how having them will affect your life in important ways.  You can then be focused on what benefits you will gain or win by being at your goal weight.

Two chapters have been co-authored. One is on the value and importance of physical fitness which is co-authored by my personal trainer, Kip Jaswish of Infit Studios. The other is a chapter with my colleague,  Jane Mercado, M.A. on cooking strategies and techniques which will not only help you prepare healthy, low-fat foods which will keep you slender and satisfied, but which are also really delicious.  I thought I was up on these things, but I have learned so much. 

The expected publication date is sometime in December...  I can't wait!  In the meantime, If you have any questions I can answer in this regard, I would be delighted to help.   

If you are interested in recieving a pre-publication copy of Win the Weight War, I will make sure you receive an autographed copy before anyone else.  Drop me an email at jill@jillcody.com to let me know.

More later...!

Sharing Values in Relationships

Love alone is not enough to make relationships work well!

Shared values are important factors in making sure important relationships last.   For example if the values of respect, courtesy, consideration, and honesty are shared by a couple, and all their behaviors are dependent on living these values, the chances of feelings being hurt are minimized. 

Ignorance or disregard of what is important to each partner damages rapport when emotional chains are pulled or emotional buttons pushed. 

Discussions of important issues should not be left to accident or opportunity. Time should be taken to share views on such diverse subjects as spiritual or religious preferences and practices, whether or not to have children and/or the number of children each prefers, Economic needs and spending habits, traditional family roles as opposed to both partners being employed, housekeeping expectations (neat versus messy), etc.  How critical these values are to each partner determines how much room there is for compromise or control.

Calm and reasoned communication about sensitive subjects is crucial to resolve disagreements. Where there can be no compromise, such as when one partner wants children but the other does not, the rule of thumb is that the "No" vote wins out. If the issue is so divisive, it may be a deal-breaker. It is better to find this all out before two people make marital commitments.

Define, clarify and share your important values. - Make the relationship last!

Share your responses and opinions here!

Using values to win the weight war

How do we "e-valuate" our decisions that direct our lives, whether it concerns the food we eat or drink, the career we choose, or even connecting with important and intimate relationships? We turn to our sense of personal profound beliefs and philosophies which we call our values.  We use our values to make judgments and decisions. Everyone has values, whether or not they might be in agreement with our own. 

Values are what are important in our lives.  They give us direction and increase or decrease our motivation, depending on whether what we do is in harmony with our personal values. 

Criteria represent the external evidence of the abstract values and which are connected to a particular context.  For example, if being physically fit is an important value to us, we might organize our behavior (exercising three times a week) to specifically enhance our stated goals and objectives, such as fitting into favorite slacks.

One of the reasons that it is important to spend time to determine what is important to you about being at your goal weight is that this process helps you access your most important values.  These values determine and define your motivation to do what it takes to actually achieve your desired outcome.  When the outcome you are considering is in sync with your highest values, achieving that outcome will increase your self-esteem and insure its importance to you.  For example, if personal appearance is important to your sense of self-worth, then the quality of your personal esteem will suffer in a direct relationship to the amount of extra weight you are carrying.

Conversely, your positive values and personal integrity will generate not only motivation, but intense determination and commitment particularly when it comes to winning the war on your weight.

Share your observations or comments with us about how values impact your life.

Diet Success Factors

                                               DIET SUCCESS FACTORS

           One of my missions in life is to share these strategies with as many people as possible.  Together I want to help you examine the factors in life that can cause overweight, the psychological and emotional needs that food attempts to satisfy, as well as identifying the sabotages that prevent you from reducing that weight, and how to overcome them.  The principles included here are designed to help you redefine your ‘love affair’ with food by identifying your weight goals, giving purpose and importance to achieving those goals, providing specific suggestions and strategies to build motivation, help you win your war on weight.   

            Effective nutritional eating programs such as “Weight Watchers”, and those run by hospitals and wellness centers both in the United States and in many other countries will actually teach you to make appropriate nutritional decisions.  I am an ‘equal-opportunity’ advocate for all structured diet plans.  They will all work - if you stay committed to any one of them.  As one of my clients said, somewhat plaintively, “The hardest thing about staying on a diet is – staying on the diet.”  Many have expressed their preferences, varying from devotees of “Weight Watchers”, “Adkins”, “South Beach”, or even “Scarsdale”.  They just don’t stick with any of them!  I want to help you build powerful motivations so that you stay committed to whatever structure of weight management you prefer.
It is really important for you to get a thorough physical examination by your physician who knows you well.  He or she could make sure that your overweight difficulties are caused by unhealthy eating habits and strategies rather than a physical ailment which manifests itself as overweight.
 
The major factors that go into being successful in controlling your weight are:
• Motivation – Setting a goal - What’s in it for you to be at your goal weight? Health benefits of staying slender are very well known – yet they rarely motivate anyone to change anything, much less eating habits.
• Quality of food – How do you decide what to put into your mouth, as well as the amount of food that you choose to eat?
• Rate of consumption, and frequency with which you eat; and the frequency, intensity and duration of exercise.
• The psychological and emotional needs and “positive intentions” that drive those over-eating behaviors and sabotage your best intentions and commitment.

The steps and strategies which teach people to successfully achieve their weight goals are simple, but not necessarily easy ones to accomplish.

I welcome your comments, questions, or suggestions to share. 

Creating More MAGIC!

The MAGIC in any successful relationship boils down to five significant elements. 
• Mutual respect and consideration
• Acceptance
• Good humor 
• Integrity and shared values
• Communication   

     Think about someone you have been attracted to. What was your first clue that the attraction was there?  Was it: a warm smile, an attractive figure, a funny personality, good eye contact, laughing at your jokes, sex appeal, or even a fragrance from perfume or after-shave?

      Most relationships begin with an attraction to something external in another. There is a natural excitement to a new love.  Nature plans it that way.   There is not much MAGIC - Yet.  There has not been time for it to develop.  This intense attraction serves to blind us to the very seeds of problems as the relationship gets more intimate, and the couple settles down to the mundane responsibilities of living. It tends to be less intense, but that is when the MAGIC begins.  Hopefully each person in that couple finds some internal qualities in the other which goes beyond physical appearance, and complements them on many levels. 

       Mutual respect and consideration - The first ingredient in making MAGIC is to behave in ways which demonstrate respect and consideration - NO MATTER WHAT!!!   It is always present in the early part of the dating game. Each partner treats the other as if he or she were the most important person in the world.  There is mutual courtesy, consideration and treating each other with a great deal of respect.  It is no wonder that disappointment occurs when couples take each other for granted.  For the successful couples, this continued (some by specific agreement that it would)   Most couples thoroughly enjoyed their courtship and dating process. Why should courtship stop when two people get married?

     It shouldn't!

Six Keys to Achieving Your Weight Goals

                                   Achieving Your Weight Goals - Specifically!

Achievable goals are created when you work to honor your values and motives. To illustrate the effectiveness of this strategy, we can focus on “Sharon’s” story as a specific example of how these keys work.  Sharon was committed to shedding her excess weight of forty pounds as a goal worth achieving.  The following six effective keys can be useful in any context and situation to make goals motivating, realistic, and ultimately achievable.

1.  State goals in the positive and be specific!   What?  Where?  How? Turn any “nots” into “what do I want instead?”  Otherwise you will tie yourself up in “knots”. If possible, set an exact date.  At the very least, specify the outcome in terms of a time frame - weeks, months, years.  The more exacting and vividly you can imagine having that outcome, the more you will generate the positive self-talk and internal ‘filters’ which allow you to notice the opportunities which present themselves.  Prioritize the goals in order of importance, urgency or achievability.  If the goals seem to be too broad or overwhelming, divide them into small, manageable steps toward the goal, which you can take pleasure and confidence in achieving.

Sharon wanted to weigh 130 pounds by June to look good in a bathing suit. She found that if she imagined the admiring looks she would receive from guys, she could more easily choose healthy foods to eat. When Sharon imagined how her clothes would fit as she moved closer to her goal weight, it became a game. Setting intermediate goals of five pounds every two weeks seemed realistic and appropriate.

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2.  Criteria of success.  What will be the evidence that you have accomplished your objective? Exactly what will you hear, see or feel when your outcome has been realized.  See that outcome from the point of view of an objective observer. What is in it for you to have that outcome? Identify all the benefits of accomplishing your goal ranging from the most trivial to the most important. These advantages should be so important that achieving the outcome is worth the effort that it takes. Make that outcome so vivid, colorful, and positive that visualizing it fills you with intense positive anticipation and pleasure. If there are elements of the journey to accomplishing your goal that are hard work or “not fun”,  step into an image of “having it already done – and out of the way” which will open up the positive possibilities of having accomplished the unpleasant chore. Mentally rehearse having that goal fully into the future. 

Sharon weighed herself every day to keep a record of her progress. She was looking forward to fitting into clothes she had not been able to wear in four years.  It was fun for her to look forward to get back to horseback riding and biking. When Sharon compared fudge cake and ice cream to wanting to enjoy her active hobbies, eating the sweets didn’t seem quite so enticing.

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3.  Acknowledge consequences. It is equally important to acknowledge any consequences that may arise. Since everything has a price tag, understand thoroughly what you are getting into.  What is the time commitment?  How much effort will be required of you?  What are you likely to give up, and is the outcome worth that effort?  Who else will be affected and how will these important people respond?  You want to make sure that all personal values and principles are in agreement.  If not, you run the risk of self-sabotage.

Sharon discovered that she needed to be very discriminating in the food she chose to eat and to only eat enough food to feel comfortable rather than stuffed. She restricted high calorie foods to one treat a week so she wouldn’t feel deprived. She was looking forward to her colleagues treating her with more respect when she had achieved her goal.

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4.   Identify your resources.   List all your personal qualities, assets, skills, abilities, and energies that you may have successfully used in the past to accomplish other outcomes and goals.  Who are the people who could help you achieve your goals?  Who can be your role models to emulate?  What physical items might help, such as computers, time management systems, calculators, books or courses?

Determination, patience, and enthusiasm were the resources that Sharon identified which would help her succeed. She recalled how strong she felt when she had quit smoking. She chose a friend, Denise, to be a “dieting buddy” to exercise with her and help her keep track of calories.

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5.  Take personal responsibility   Get pro-active. Your outcome is yours to fulfill. You will have to make it happen.  We can dream, wish, or hope that we will win the lottery and will never have to work again, but that’s a fairy tale. The reality is that the world is not going to let anything fall in your lap.  Make an action plan, breaking a big goal into realistic, smaller steps which you can easily recognize when you accomplish each one.

Keeping a log of what she ate provided Sharon with a visual record of the choices and the quantities of food.  She made a commitment to run two miles Tuesdays and Thursdays, as well as lift weights Monday and Fridays.    

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6. Write your goals down. It helps clarify what's important to you, increases your commitment to them and enhances the likelihood that you’ll follow through on your intentions. Written goals help resist sidetracks or procrastination which will sabotage your efforts. Identify any possible sabotages, distractions and/or blocks.  Planning ahead to develop appropriate strategies to reduce the effects of these sabotages will keep you on track and successful.

            Sharon identified being bored and coping with unplanned social events as the things that could most easily sabotage her good efforts. To keep busy, she bought wool, knitting needles, and sweater directions. She developed the strategy of drinking seltzer water with lemon at parties and being very selective about choosing to eat small quantities of high calorie treats so she could enjoy herself at parties without putting on weight.

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Tell us your story or comments below - about achieving your weight goals.